I've been having a crisis of faith for a while now.

The more I go to Shul and am surrounded by Torah believing, Black Hat Jews, the further I feel from any real connection with the divine.

I feel connected to my fellow Jews. I feel connected to my culture. I feel a growing connection to Halacha.

What I don't feel is their surety. These are people that believe that G-d takes an active moment-by-moment role in their lives. "Look at the nice day Hashem has given us."

I just don't see the universe that way.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think it's random. In fact, the way I see it, a supernatural being that stands outside the concept of linear time didn't create a universe that starts at one point in time and flows to the final point, He created a universe that exists as an extant body stretching from beginning to end simultaneously. The problem is that a) that creates a universe without free will, which Judaism isn't big on (The deist and Atheist cosmology are also devoid o free will if you think about it) b) I can't perceive that actions and intentions of G-d in the day to day operations of the Cosmos. I have no empirical stimuli that there is a supernatural being making quantum and macro adjustments to my life and the lives of those around me.

The big problem is that I don't feel this connection and I DESPERATELY want to. I desperately want to know that all this happens for a reason. I want to feel the metaphysical certainty felt by my fellow daveners that there is a G-d and there will be a Moshiach that will set things straight.

I've read Tehillim. I've read Pirkei Avos. I'm bending over backwards to try to get my hands on a Shas (in total or book by book, whichever pot comes to boil first) and try to find a Talmud class I can attend in my area. I'm aching believe that there is a reason for all of this, but I was raised secular.

I don't understand the people I've seen on video lining up to get a bracha and a dollar from the late Chabad Rebbe. I don't understand using the term "Hashem" and talking about him like he's our friend that makes the weather nice or does nice things for us. In fact, talking about Him in that fashion almost seems un-Jewish. It almost puts him in a body so he can hang out with us and that seems, to me at least, to be the beliefs of another religion we all know so well.

I don't know. The fact is I may never really be able to call myself an Orthodox Jew. I may always be mired in a middle ground between a very academic understanding of Scripture and a truly religious one.

So I figured it was time to start dating again. I hate dating but various forces in my life are pushing me to date (see my livejournal for some details) not the least of which being that I'm not getting any older and I'd like to meet my grandchildren before I have a hip replacement.

Two observations - nowadays, I just friend women on facebook if I want to ask them out. Which is kind of lame since they can say no so much more easily. But I've been finding that many of them are 22 which is good for them but dating women who were being born when I was in high school - eh. I know that I'm immature and that I'm basically a saner, less jumpy version of the basic template from age 23 on but still - that's a bit young. It's happened a couple of times too.

But I was finally induced to sign up for sawyouatsinai because out of the blue they picked a rather gorgeous redhead for me. So I signed up to say that I'm interested.

And she said that she isn't interested.

Damn. I even edited my profile to remove all the hostility to the very fact that I'm on a damn online dating Web site that asks way too many superficial questions.

And now the matchmakers are throwing their refuse at me. Some are pretty attractive but for the most part these feel like those girls with the friends who tell them how pretty and attractive they are and any man would want them - all the while the friends are hanging out with the girls because they make them look good in comparison.

Yeah, I know about the ugly friend convention. Hell, Gemara even mentions it in Yoma 6 as an example of the depravity of the First Temple (women would walk heel-to-toe in order to make men stare at them and tall women would stand next to really short women in order to look even taller - and don't even get gemara started on high heels and those Sex & the City episodes - ok kidding on that last part. Typical midrashic methodology of redefining a phrase as meaning soemthing much much less dangerous than you might think but then raising the seemingly inocuous to the level of the sin that you thought they were talking about in the first place. As in sure, they weren't having orgies with barnyard animals, but they had sexy walks and that's just as bad. Miriam's sin of lashon hara is the quintessential example in expanding the definition of lashon hara).

But then again, I think I am also the difficult one to find any matches for. I am not so deluded as to think that most frum women are just dying to date professional writers who write term papers for a living and spend time as guest panelists at Science Fiction conventions. So I suppose they have to try. Or maybe I should use a different picture than that high school reunion picture with the cheap suit and the weird goatee (and NO. I do NOT look like Tom Green so stop saying it).

Of course, what puzzles me is the fact that even though I learned the hard way not to accept shidduchim from friends (at least not without a thorough interrogation over WHY they think this woman might work for me - especially since the last one was my friend Anna trying to RE-set me up with Suicide Girl and me trying very diplomatically to explain that Suicide Girl was the worst date of my life and that pushes that breakup date with Nanda where I was crying snot out of the running. Oh wait. Maybe the worst date was with Anne in which a year of expectations and infatuation was crushed in one very awkward evening - never figure out which one is which - but Suicide Girl beats them both. Imagine those Cymbalta commercials that go "Depression Hurts!" and imagine being stuck with that for an hour. That was the date.) but I'm paying a group of yentas to set me up.

Oh well. Love is stupid. But searching for Love - even dumber.

On a dark and stormy night

Hello group!

Here is my list. It starts today.

( Mission 101 list )

the 6 books of nalini singh

91. slave to sensation
91a. the cannibal princess
92. visions of heat
93. caressed by ice
94. beat of temptation
95. mine to possess
96. hostage to pleasure

stories about the psy - think neural net aka tos ghostwalker
and the other species that surround them, not quite spn, but its about leaving safety, and surviving


3 books of lori devoti
97-1. unbound
98-2. guardian's keep
99-3- wild hunt

100 - mark haddon's the curious incident of the dog at night time.
this book you must read if you havent

i like the net series, by nalini singh. i thought also about spock

110. Alabama by Kay Cornelius This is a collection of four novellas written about the author all set in the same small town in Alabama. This book shows how four different women find love in this small town. This book also has Christian themes in the book so there isn't a lot of smut in the book.
111. One Fifth Avenue by Candace Bushnell This is a tale of the different residents in a building in New York City, where you see the different stereotypes. The rich hedge fund manager, the wife who gave up her career in order to support her husband, the middle class couple trying to break into the next socio economic class, the aging actress who took a job in a TV series after breaking up with her husband and others. You also see the friend to the rich who isn't rich but who likes the lifestyle and the two twenty somethings who are portrayed as slackers. This is a good story with an expected ending.
112. Unashamed by Francine Rivers
113. The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards
114. Escape by Carolyn Jessop This tells of one woman's tale of her life in the FLDS. When she was eighteen years old she became the fourth wife of Meril Jessop a powerful man in the FLDS. This tells how her and her other sister wives competed with each other for their husband's affection and approval. She had eight children in fifteen years and she was lucky that she was able to get a college education. She did have support in leaving the cult and she was the first FLDS woman who had left to gain full custody of her children. This book is a good book to learn about one woman's experience in the FLDS both before and after Warren Jeffs took over the cult.
115.Elijah the Last Prophet by Mickey R. Mullen This is a book that describes his beliefs about the Bible and his belief system as a Christian. He doesn't believe the Bible literally only that it is written in allegory and is not to be taken literally. He also believes that Paul was in the clutches of Satan and didn't read his letters in the Bible. The author does believe that his biblical name is Elijah. Though it does tell about his childhood and life which does make an interesting interlude in the book, if you are looking for a book with solid Christian principles this is not the book for you. If you are looking for a memoir from someone who had lived in poverty than you may want to read this book.
116.The Golden Angel by Gilbert Morris This is set during the Roaring Twenties when Erin Winslow who is a missionary kid in Africa is taught to fly by a pilot that she rescues in Africa. The two of them begin a romantic relationship but when she discovers the secret that he is keeping from her she feels betrayed and flees to America. In America she ends up waiting tables at a cafe in New York City where she meets former WWI pilot Quaid Merrit and the two of them team up to perform air shows. This is a good book where Erin has to learn to rely on God and not let her past experiences form her future too much. It does have a character who is dyslexic in there since Erin does discover that she is dyslexic in the book though it isn't too much of a plot point.

117. The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling This book tells five different stories that are from the world of Harry Potter. You get a glimpse into the past of the world that she has created with the commentaries by Dumbledore.
118. The Republic of Pirates: Being the True and Surprising Story of the Caribbean Pirates and the Man Who Brought Them Down by Colin Woodard This book tells the true story of the Pirates of the Caribbean instead of the romanticized tales that we hear about them. The author also dispels any of the popular myths about the pirates. He does tell how they had set up their Pirate Empire in the Bahamas and how their Pirate Empire came to an end. This book is good for someone who is interested in pirates and this will give the truth of them.
119. Woodlands by Robin Jones Gunn In this seventh book in her Glenbrooke series we get to meet Leah who thinks that she will never find anyone to marry her though she does give back to the community and has a hard time accepting things from other people. She meets Seth Edwards who shows her attention and she learns to accept his gifts. This is a good romance novel with a sense of the author's humor in it when Leah calls a radio station by mistake and wins a cruise to Alaska. You do meet some of the other characters from her other books in this series.
120.The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern by Lilian Jackson Braun
121.Vampire Kisses the Beginning by Ellen Schreiber This is the first three books in the author's Vampire Kisses series in one volume. Gothic vampire obsessed teen Raven feels like an outsider in Dullsville when the mysterious Alexander Sterling moves to an old mansion in Dullsville and when she finds out Alexander's secret she is thrust upon some unexpected situations though she uses her own intellect to get out of them as well as use Alexander's help. The author does include more traditional vampire folklore than another popular vampire series that is out right now. Raven is a strong female character who doesn't wait for Alexander to rescue her and she tries to keep her friendship with Becky who is her best friend.
122. Mouse Tales: A Behind the Scenes Look at Disneyland by David Koenig In this behind the scenes look at Disneyland the author shows us the good, the bad and the ugly about Disneyland. He starts when Disneyland was just an idea of Walt Disney's and goes into today where Disneyland is a part of a large corporation. He tells funny stories about the employees and guests alike even telling some of the pranks that the employees had played on each other in the early days of Disneyland. He also discusses some of the lawsuits that Disneyland has encountered in recent years.
123. The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare by Lilian Jackson Braun

Jack Frost #2 – Jin Ho Ko
( Jack )



The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston & Mario Spezi
( true crime )

My name's Harper. This is probably my third or fourth Mission 101, and all of the ones in the past have failed. I'm really hoping to get this one done, so I was wondering if anyone would like to be friends to cheer each other on? If I have someone doing the same thing I am, I figure it can serve as inspiration or something. Happy holidays to everyone :)
( The list )

Just completed two goals in two days! Puts me at 8 goals completed in 3 months!
- Get an Ipod Touch
- No cavities on dental check up

My Mission!

I wish you all happy holidays...and hope you see someone this season whose worth cuddling up for the winter :)

- Amanda, feeling refreshed

Book 124: A Spectacle of Corruption (Benjamin Weaver Book 2)
Author: David Liss, 2004
Genre: Historical Murder Mystery. 18th century England
Other Details: Paperback, 392 pages.

Since the publication of the first volume of my memoirs, I have found myself the subject of more notoriety than I had ever known or might have anticipated.... - Benjamin Weaver.

After enjoying A Conspiracy of Paper (my 2009 Book 91) so much I was pleased to to find that David Liss had written further novels featuring former pugilist turned thief-taker, Benjamin Weaver.

The novel opens with Weaver being convicted for a murder he did not commit at a trial presided over by a judge who appears determined to find him guilty. Then he is accosted by a stranger who manages to slip a lock pick and file into his hands. In that instant he is aware of two things: someone had gone to a great deal of trouble to see him condemned to hang and another equally mysterious agent was determined to see him free. After a daring escape from London's most notorious prison Weaver has to find a way to clear his name and soon stumbles into a conspiracy with wide ramifications for the future of Britain.

Weaver is such a wonderfully complex character; intelligent, charming and witty addressing his readers with the hindsight of several decades on these events. The central mystery is labyrinthine and well played out. Liss populates the book with colourful characters who could easily have stepped out of William Hogarth's prints. Again, Liss does a superb job with the setting evoking the glamour and squalor of the Georgian period. He also tackles the complexities of 18th century politics and the electoral processes by using Weaver whose introduction into these matters also serves as the reader's induction.

This is historical fiction at its best. I loved it from start to finish and can hardly wait for the third in the series to appear in paperback!

A Spectacle of Corruption - David Liss' page with Readers Guide and Excerpt.

I've been working on my list for a month now, so I thought I'd give an update! (Especially since one of my goals is to update my progress once a month =])


( In Progress: 8; Completed: 6 )

The Hippopotamus by Stephen Fry

I usually like Stephen Fry's writing quite a lot an there were good bits in this one as well, but it wasn't, I feel, as good as the other novels of his that I've read.

The plot involves a crotchety old poet and theatre critic, Ted Wallace, who is engaged by his goddaughter to investigate odd goings-on at an English country house. And that's about it really. Perhaps it was me, but I felt the book lacked something. I rather liked Ted's cynical outpourings, but the bits not told from his perspective felt rather flat, and even the bits that were seemed sometimes to be protesting too much. And the plot seemed thin to the point of transparency.

Book 122: Echoes from the Dead
Author: Johan Theorin, 2007. Translated from the Swedish by Marlaine Delargy, 2008
Genre: Crime Thriller. Mystery.
Other Details: Trade Paperback 396 pages

On a foggy autumn day in the early 1970s, 5-year old Jens disappears on the island of Öland. He is never found. Twenty years later his mother, Julia, is still struggling to come to terms with her son's disappearance. Then she receives an unexpected phone call from her estranged father, Gerlof, a retired sea captain who still lives on the island. He tells her that the postman has delivered a package containing a child's sandal, which he is sure had belonged to Jens.

Julia returns to the island and learns that Gerlof and his elderly friend Ernst Adolfsson, have been investigating Nils Kant, a man with a long history of murder and brutality, whom they suspect was involved in Jens' disappearance. But Nils Kant died in the 1960s years before Jens disappeared, even though he remains a scapegoat for the local people who attribute every nasty incident on the island to him. Julia reluctantly is drawn into the investigation and slowly begins to reclaim her life. This present day story is interwoven with the story of Nils Kant from childhood onward.

This is a complex mystery that is skilfully executed with strong characterisations and an atmospheric setting. The novel has the typically Scandinavian slow pace and detailed narrative. which drew me into a relationship with its characters and setting. Just fantastic.

It was awarded the 2007 Best First Mystery Novel 2007 by the Swedish Academy of Crime Writers and the 2009 CWA New Blood Dagger.

Book 123: The Devil's Star (Detective Harry Hole Book 05)
Author: Jo Nesbø, 2003. Translated from the Norwegian by Don Bartlett, 2005.
Genre: Police Procedural. Crime.
Other Details: Paperback. 503 pages.

Oslo based Detective Harry Hole is completely off-the-rails following on from events in the previous two books Redbreast and Nemesis. He is on notice to quit the force for his unacceptable behaviour and drinking. Then a young woman is found murdered in her flat. One finger has been cut off, and beneath her eyelid a tiny red diamond in the shape of a five pointed star is found. Harry is assigned to the case working alongside Tom Waaler, his long-time adversary. Five days after the first murder, a man reports his wife missing. When her severed finger is found wearing a ring mounted with another star-shaped red diamond, it seems Oslo has a serial killer on its hands.

Nesbø delivers another complex and totally engaging crime thriller with a satisfying conclusion to this three-book plot arc.

Although this title was the first of the Harry Hole series published in English, currently it is only available in the USA as an import. However, the earlier books are available and this one will be published there in hardback in March 2010.

102) The Little Lady Agency by Hester Browne (Chick-Lit, 413 pages)
Charming and fun (and funny at points!). I loved the main character, in both her incarnations, and fell in love with the story from page one. I will definitely read the rest of the series. 4/5

103) Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann (Mystery, 352 pages)
The herd's shepherd is murdered and the flock take it upon themselves to solve the crime. Charming, funny, and really interesting to see a sheep's-eye-view of the world. 3.5/5

104) Little Lady, Big Apple by Hester Browne (Chick-Lit, 368 pages)
The second book in Browne's Little Lady Agency series is not quite as enjoyable as the first book, though given how much I liked the first one, that meant I still liked this one a fair bit.
Due to Nelson's going off to sea for a few months and deciding to take the time to redo the house, Melissa finds herself homeless and goes to New York with Jonathan.
Formulaic but ultimately fun. However, Melissa's inability to deal with Gabi and Allegra made me grit my teeth, as did her doormat personality peeking through every so often.
I'm looking forward to the third book. 3.5/5

105) The Blonde Theory by Kristin Harmel (Chick-Lit, 304 pages)
I have mixed feelings about this book. Overall, I liked it, particularly the ending, which was a refreshing change-of-pace. However, there were certain things that made me grit my teeth throughout. The ditzy scenes were teeth-grittingly painful at times, and for someone who was so smart and successful, Harper was amazingly naive. 3.5/5

106) The Little Lady Agency and the Prince by Hester Browne (Chick-Lit, 400 pages)
This is my favorite book of the three. In this one, you can really see Melissa figure out who she is and what she wants from her life. More annoying characters (Gabi and Allegra) are rarely seen and/or toned down, and Granny takes a larger role. But this was the book that made me really like Melissa, who had always seemed too resigned about her life, but cheerfully in denial about it. Browne gave her more depth in this book, and I loved that Prince Nicky helped Melissa figure out her life. Loved it. 4/5

107) Going Bovine by Libba Bray (Young Adult, 480 pages)
This was 100% cracked out, hilarious awesomeness. 4/5

108) The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Fowler (Fiction, 288 pages)
I enjoyed the movie so picked up the book. The book proved to be sluggish and just this side of uninteresting enough that I finished it, though it took me a while. I didn't connect with any of the characters, who were more or less interchangeable, despite Fowler's attempt to make them quirky. There was too much focus of the characters' background instead of the here and now of the book, with each section focusing on a different character -- which only made me annoyed as the first characters were boring, and the later interesting backgrounds came up too late to make me appreciate the characters. 2.5/5

I HATE APPLYING TO GRADUATE SCHOOLS. I JUST WANT THE MADNESS TO BE OVER. I DISLIKE WRITING PERSONAL STATEMENTS / STATEMENTS OF PURPOSE AND AM JUST GOING TO SMEAR "Admit me, please! I'm super smart!" WITH SPARKLY PINK LIPSTICK ON A PIECE OF SCENTED STATIONARY AND SEND IT IN TO ALL OF THE SCHOOLS.

Or, I'm going to make a music video with me wearing a bikini Elle Woods style.

Yeah.

98. Satchmo: My Life in New Orleans by Louis Armstrong (240 pgs)
Louis Armstrong's personal tale of growing up in New Orleans. A quick read, and full of interesting tidbits!

99. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger (406 pgs)
A rather gothic tale of two sets of twins. Elspeth has died in London, leaving her flat to the twin daughters of her twin sister in Chicago. Hauntings, mysteries, and a man with ocd make up most of the story. There were some touching moments, particularly between Elspeth and Robert, but like most readers, I didn't find this to be nearly as endearing as the Time Traveler's Wife.

100. Stealing Buddha's Dinner by Bich Minh Nguyen (256 pgs)
A Vietnamese refugee and her childhood story, told largely through the cravings of American processed food.

101. Ooga-Booga by Frederick Seidel (101 pgs)
Reflective, a bit repetitive in theme. The occasional rhyming is a bit hard to know what to do with. My favorite poem was "Violin," but maybe I was looking for optimism.

102. Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout (270 pgs)
Olive is difficult, moody, and opinionated; also observant, direct, and caring in her own way. Strout presents her through a variety of lenses in a grouping of short stories, all directly or indirectly tied to the character of Olive Kitteridge. I can't decide if I liked it or not. It isn't heartwarming, but feels rather genuine, which might be refreshing.

103. The Anthologist by Nicholson Baker (243 pgs)
I'm carrying this book around in my head these days, seeing poetry everywhere I look and thinking in rhyme. A great love letter to poetry, especially the rhyming kind, and an interesting character of the poet Paul Chowder who just needs to finish the introduction to an anthology of rhyming poems.

104. Rivers to the Sea by Sara Teasdale (148 pgs)
I feel like such a sap when I read Teasdale. While her poetry is simple in structure and often very short (some are only one stanza), and they tend to rhyme, they are full of longing and sentimentality. This set comes with the poem that is rumored to be the one she wrote after her past love killed himself ("I Shall Not Care"). My favorites were Spring, From the Woolworth Tower, I Am Not Yours, and A Cry; I didn't care much for the second of the five sections. Her poems seem familiar, but I don't think I've read her before. I think that is more a reflection of the simplicity and feeling of loss or sadness.

105. Dark of the Moon by Sara Teasdale (94 pgs)
Teasdale is definitely older and more introspective in this volume (compared to Rivers to the Sea). These poems are more about nature, her inner life, and what she was contributing and experiencing. She's lost some of the wistfulness for love, and seems to have replaced it with a general longing for life in general.

106. Stars Tonight by Sara Teasdale (49 pgs)
A compilation of more child-appropriate poems.

107. Strange Victory by Sara Teasdale (37 pgs)
A small collection of poems, as far as I can tell, from around the time of when Teasdale's former love committed suicide. Death is a common theme, as well as loss.

"No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed."

108. The Magicians by Lev Grossman (402 pgs)
I admit to getting this book because I thought the cover was beautiful.

To me this seems like two books, or three, that the author just couldn't decide between writing - one was a grown-up Harry Potter type story, if magic school were at the college level. But he raced through telling that part to get to the magical land part, which to me was even less satisfying than the story about Brakebills College.

I never thought I would say this, because allegedly I hate reading fantasy series, but this would have been better spread out so more time could have been taken with each stage

109. Collected Poems of Sara Teasdale (311 pgs)
I was glad to have found the smaller bound volumes of Teasdale's poems, because several were excluded from this collection, and one was one of my favorites ("Spring" from Rivers to the Sea). There aren't any explanations for the exclusions other than that they were based on conversations she had with friends.

I tend to like her shorter, rhyming, sentimental poems than her longer, affected sonnets and tributes to mythological figures.

110. The Answering Voice ed. by Sara Teasdale (131 pgs)
This captures what women poets were writing about love around the time that Teasdale compiled these poems. Some standards, some poets who were new to me. Read from a brittle copy in the library that was missing some pages and parts of others.

111. Double Fold: Libraries and the Assault on Paper by Nicholson Baker (370 pgs)
"The library has gone astray partly because we trusted the librarians so completely." ( Read more... )

112. To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf (209 pgs)
I've had this on my to-read pile for a while, and I'm not all together certain I haven't read it before. The setting is interesting (cold weather islands are a favorite of mine) but it is more about what goes on INSIDE the house as the family talks about going to the lighthouse.

113. What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami (180 pgs)
A quick read about running and writing, nice to read at the end of another successful National Novel Writing Month. :)

114. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami (296 pgs)
I really had to mull over this one before writing anything about it. To so many people it appears to be a love story, but I really take issue with that - this is a dark, twisted story really, with a lot of mental anguish for everyone except the main character. I am starting to take issue with the typical Murakami protagonist - they seem so bewildered about the world around them, particularly about women but people in general, and the only relationships they have are those that fall into their lives. I hate people who float around and let things happen TO them.

In this novel it seems somehow worse. Surely there is something Toru can do, but maybe Nagasawa is right when he says Toru only knows to think about himself. The ending, and several moments throughout the story, really made me sick to my stomach. I need to take a break from him for a while, I think.

As cold as a...

Just thought I would post to show my updated list. I'm actually doing quite well! =D I have so many in progress and about 5 completed! Yay!

Hope you guys are doing well in your own lists too!

( 101 in 1001 )

86. Just After Sunset, by Stephen King. Stephen King's latest compilation of short stories is a great read. Most of them are horror, and all have horrific elements, but there's a lot of variety. There's The Gingerbread Girl and A Very Tight Place, which have no supernatural elements but are probably the freakiest stories because there are no "unexplained phenomenon" -- just human nature at its worst. Mute is probably the closest to non-horror, but it does pose some interesting moral dilemnas. Some are bittersweet, like Willa, where a young couple finds a new life (literally) in an old honkytonk bar, and The Things They Left Behind, a haunting tribute to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The New York Times at Special Bargain Rates also falls in this category, when a recently widowed woman gets a phone call that gives her not only a chance at closure but later saves her life. The most frightening story in my opinion was "N." This reminded me in some ways of The Ring. Probably because of it's spooky repeating-pattern nature, if that makes any sense. All in all, very enjoyable.